My Reflections – Part 1

This blog has always been a back and forth between the past and present (for the most part) and it’s now time to go into the past for a while and I’m kind of stuck on how I will go about it. There are key things I want/need to share when it comes to the “what it was like” and “what happened” of my story but I’ve waited so long to do it, I’m struggling with how I will structure it.

At the beginning of the year, I told myself I would post twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays. Have I been consistent? Nope! But is it ever too late to start? Nope! I published one on Monday this week and I’m due to post tomorrow. And as of 6pm this evening, I had no idea where I was going to start.

Then the idea came to me:

“I know, I’ll go look back into my journal on today’s date in 2021 and see where I was 2 years ago today, April 5, 2021. Ooh, mayyyybeee even share what I wrote. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do!”

It’s not exactly where I was planning on starting but after reading what I wrote, I’ve decided to do exactly that. Remember what I said about my plans vs. God’s plans?

April 5, 2021

Of course, it’s been days, maybe 2 weeks, since I wrote last. This seems to be a pattern. I have a ton of incomplete journals. I have always gone in phases. I bet it correlates with my bipolar. Right now, I think I might be manic. OR the Holy Spirit has taken over…which, I have prayed for again and again. Praise the Lord! I came to change my clothes but just wanted to update.

Everything is so so good. I am enjoying my girls today…last night was another story. Wow. But, I did handle it well, thanks to prayer and some weed. I quit again and even changed my date to be the same date [as my alcohol free date], just a different year. But I’ve already relapsed [couldn’t even make it a week] so I’ll try quitting again when I run out or it makes me depressed. It most certainly can and if I do get depressed, then for reals for reals, I’m quitting. Not worth depression to keep smoking. Screw that!

Thank you, Lord, for coming to my rescue once again. Show me your ways. I want to embody your love.

I mentioned a couple things in my first post this year, My Rationalization, and also did in the above journal entry.

Bipolar and weed.

I now know exactly how I shall proceed.


Published by Holly "Pixie" Hust

I am a "12 Stepper" who also practices harm reduction recovery in sunny southern California. I am a wife and mother who strives to help other women discover their relationship with alcohol and how they can live their best lives without it.

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