My Reflections: Part 14

The time has come. The time I have been dreading but knowing I have to do. I’ve held off because I didn’t know how to go about it. What I did know was that it had to be on God’s terms and not mine. Today is March 5th and I returned to my journal from 2 years ago and re-read what I wrote, asking God how I should proceed because the last thing I want to do is invite negativity. How can I write about this particular season (2022 in general) without revealing too much and/or hurting others? What’s my motive? I don’t know exactly but I DO know it’s not what it once was. My heart has changed. So I’m just going to go with what I was doing before and share the journal entries; of course, not using names and omitting certain details that aren’t necessary.

For context, I was involved in an online “club” for women where we did daily devotionals (more on that later), our house was under construction, I was off my bipolar medication, I was drinking my cannabis in very high doses, was 12 days without cigarettes, it was Lent and I was growing exponentially in my faith.

March 5, 2022

Mary & Elizabeth – it’s not an accident that we would be looking at Mary & Elizabeth’s relationship as I am, once again, struggling with a certain friendship. I can’t really focus on the devotional questions, as I am so gravely disturbed by what God is revealing to me. Like, it is very upsetting, and I must address it. But it’s so hard for me. It’s SO hard. After our rather frustrating conversation about an ongoing topic that I didn’t understand, I prayed to God that I wasn’t going to do this anymore. That if we were supposed to be friends, to show me how to be the friend she needs. Show me where I was wrong and how I can be better – because she has always compared our roles in the friendship – who’s the better friend – saying she is a better friend that I am to her; she gives more than I give, etc. I prayed for God to show me – help me be better – or take her out of my life. Because when we get in these things, I am affected in a way that it transfers onto my family. I’m so scared God is telling me to walk away. She says she’s confident in what God tells her. Well, so am I. I have never been more convicted of the things he is showing me about her. When I want to defend myself, she calls it gaslighting. I know what gaslighting is and she is misusing it. I had to even google the misuse of it and I was right. People are using the term to describe anyone who doesn’t confirm their beliefs. If someone disagrees with you, and it’s something that you feel passionate about, if you want to share your position, you are accused of “gaslighting” and it is exactly what she does to me. I am not wanting to manipulate her or question her sanity, I want to stand up for myself because her accusations are baseless and flat out incorrect. The “taste in my mouth” is so foul – God, please help me!

I am finishing this blog post on March 6, 2024 – exactly 2 years since our last interaction through text. This wasn’t the first time we’d stop talking for an extended period of time. All the other times were on her terms and reconnecting was always on her terms as well. But this time, it was me. I didn’t want to, but I had to. I did it because this wasn’t just your run of the mill disagreement. It was something far bigger and I was in fear.

That’s how the enemy (aka the devil) works when you are drawing closer to God and aligning your will with His. He attacks. Spiritual warfare. The battle was real, and I had to retreat without saying another word.

And I won’t say another word about this situation here on the blog again. To this former bestie, if you’re reading this, and I’m pretty sure you are, you have been on my heart a lot lately. Please know I love you and I forgive you. There is much more to say but it shall remain between us until God makes a way for us to meet again. If that is His will.

Anyway, bringing it back to the subject of spiritual warfare, it was ON.

And things were about to get worse.

#morewillberevealed

Oh my gosh and a big PS: I am now 2 months and 3 days without a cigarette. And I think I did need to use the patches a little longer than 2 weeks this time but still less than 30 days. BOOM!

Skeletons 4.1 – My Recovery Resumed

Just smoked myself sick on Christmas Eve and couldn’t even finish my last one at 12:20am. I just reset my quit time for Christmas Day at 12:23. I am thoroughly disgusted and wanna throw up a little. Freakin’ foul – I cannot smoke another cigarette.

How many times have I said this since I started again in May of this year? I’ve made a few attempts, each one more half ass than the one before it until I just said “screw it. You’re a smoker again. You’ll quit again…eventually. For now, smoke it up guilt free.”

And I sure did!

To be continued, I need to go to bed and will wake up officially a nonsmoker. Again.

Picking this post back up on January 3, 2024. Did I stay smokefree?

Of course I didn’t. I was off to the gas station as soon as breakfast was over on Christmas Day and continued to smoke until 7:30am this morning. I started praying on New Years Day to have the willingness to quit. January 2, I went to bed asking that I would be done as soon as I smoked my last one.

My last one was this morning and I decided right then and there, I was done. I put on a patch, texted my bestie and my sister that I was quitting. Then I got on my knees and prayed and asked God to not let me buy a pack today.

Then I told my husband.

Me: “Okay, I put a patch on.”

Him:

Me: “Did you hear me? I put a patch on.”

Him: Do you want encouragement?

Me: Yes!

Him: Great job babe! I know you can do it.

He doesn’t believe me. And I don’t blame him. We’ve been down this road so many times before I quit the first time in June 2022 and after when I started back up in May 2023.

Do I believe myself?

No. Because I know I can’t do this on my own. I am powerless over the addiction. No amount of belief in myself, encouragement or belief from anyone is going to keep me from smoking. It didn’t help before and it won’t help now.

But I do believe in a Power greater than myself to help me and that is God.

He did it for me before and I know He’ll do it again.

All it’s going to take from me is complete surrender to His will and lots of prayer.

Okay, and patches. The nicotine replacement program is 8 weeks. Last time I quit, I used them for 2 weeks and didn’t need them anymore. I’m willing to do the whole 8 weeks if that’s what it’s going to take this time around but I doubt I’ll need to. In fact, I won’t be surprised if I don’t even need them for 2. 

We’ll see.

#morewillberevealed

My Reflections – Part 13

December 31, 2021

Well, here we are – another year is about to begin. I set out to journal very regularly and I did not. So, I’m going to continue in this one until I fill it all the way up. Sigh. What can I reflect on? This year pretty much sucked. I’m going to go back and read what I wrote and come back…

Okay, I read most of it. DEPRESSION owned me this year. And if I’m being honest, I still feel many of the same feelings I did this year. Disconected from God…disconnected from myself. Not living up to my full potential. Doing the bare minimum. Procrastinating. Sleeping a lot. Smoking cigs. I basically didn’t grow at all this year. Yes, I managed to lose 10 pounds but that’s it. I didn’t write. I didn’t grow my biz. I didn’t do shit. And I’m really beating myself up over it. Satan, flee from me in the name of Jesus Christ. I refuse to allow negative thinking and behaviors to shape 2022. So here we go, I need to write down how I intend to show up in this new year. Physically, mentally and spiritually. Where do I even begin? Spiritually – because God must come first. My faith and walk must be #1 and the rest will fall into place. So how do I plan to get spiritually fit in 2022? Devotions 3x a day. Memorize a Bible verse every week. Go back to church and stay consistent. Bible study! I really need to join Bible study again. I need to ask to change my scheduule so I can go. Pray pray pray. Pray every day!

I don’t really want to keep writing. I actually want to go back to sleep. Why? Because I don’t want to be awake. Why? Because I’m depressed!! God, please remove this from me. Holy Spirit take over!

Alcohol is a depressant. I drank because I was depressed, and I was depressed because I drank.

But I wasn’t drinking. At this point in my recovery, I was coming up on 10 years without a drink.

So, what was it then?

What was getting in my way?

What was the problem?

Me!

I was the problem.

It was me!

#morewillberevealed

My Reflections – Part 12

The faithful love of the LORD never ends. His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning…The LORD is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him. – Lamentations 3:22-23, 25

November 12, 2021

Oh boy, what a difference from yesterday. I woke up today still feeling yuck and I told myself I HAD to get into action TODAY. I asked God to show me what to do to feel better and I would do it. All of a sudden, I found myself texting two people for help. Both said yes. So while I waited for one to get here, I got to work on the downstairs and was done before she arrived. Then she and I tackled the girls’ room to the max. It was so good to hang with her, especially after everything that happened last weekend. I feel so much love and appreciation for her love and sisterhood. She brought her kids too and it was great to see them. THEN my mom came over with sandwiches and we got a ton done as well. Like, the playroom is put together, a ton of stuff was thrown away, clothes off the banister and my bedroom more organized. I feel a huge weight lifted. Working on my house WITH those two was the absolute best way to spend my day. I’m so glad I kept A1 home one more day. So NOW, what’s next. I MUST quit smoking. I have bought 2 packs the past 24 hours and thrown them both away – tossing $20 down the drain. Oh, another thing. I haven’t taken a nap all day. This is the first day in months that I haven’t slept part of the day away. And honestly, I would really like to stop doing that unless I absolutely need to take one. Like smoking, it’s an avoidance tactic and I’m sick of avoiding my responsibilities. Right now, A2 and I are at A1’s soccer practice. Then we’re going to get McDonald’s and dessert, eat and MAYBE decorate for Christmas. Not sure. I kinda want to just hop in bed and watch a Christmas movie.

All I know is this: I feel better. God has rescued me once again, giving me the strength to ask for help and be honest about my struggles. I am feeling a lot of gratitude which is so opposite of how I felt yesterday. Amazing. Miraculous. Praise the Lord, my Heavenly Father and personal Savior. I love Him so darn much and pray He will continue to guide me and help me eliminate whatever is not serving me any longer.

One more entry and then we are going into 2022.

Remember how I said I had to get more desperate?

Let me tell you something – ask and you shall receive. God ALWAYS answers prayers.

According to His will, not yours.

And often times, it’s going to hurt.

But it’s always for your good.

#morewillberevealed

My Reflections – Part 11

August 9, 2021

I don’t even really want to write in here now but I haven’t used my time wisely all day and might as well while the girls play on the phones. They haven’t played on them much for most of the year – they’ve been playing with friends. We have such a great neighborhood. Now A1 is talking & I am distracted. Oh, she got scammed on Roblox. Geez, what is our world coming to? I wish Jesus would come back. Speaking of Jesus, I feel like I have been slacking on my spiritual fitness. And I have the time! I don’t know why I always do this! I always feel so yuck – and I do. This year has been the year of depression. Currently, I’m not as low as I was in the beginning of 2021. 3 months of mental hell. I hope I never get that way again. That said, I do feel it trying to creep in – I mean, it has. It has set in because I’m sleeping every chance I get. I think my working out is keeping my head above water, to be honest. I am not applying myself anywhere else, that’s just a fact. And I don’t like it! So why can’t I seem to get anything accomplished? I do the bare minimum in my house, at my job, even as a mom – which I am ashamed to admit. Hmmm, lots of guilt, shame and remorse – the enemy’s tactics with me. Why can’t I shake this daily self-deprecation? I always being it back to God because it’s His will that I want to pursue. Am I not seeking enough? Probably. I really want to resume my 3 times a day routine. Tomorrow, I’ll start tomorrow. Actually, I’ve still…no…it hasn’t been consistent. I will strive for that. Sigh. I have been very short with the girls. Mostly A2. I just am so easily over stimulated and she’s a lot sometimes. “Hanger!” I need to eat more! My eating habits are shit because I’m dieting and still smoking cigs.

THAT is my biggest challenge. Bringing it back to God again. Have I fervently prayed every day for relief from this addiction? No, no I have not. I MUST do this daily, multiple times a day and just freakin do it already! I do not want to be smoking when I turn 42. I simply cannot continue this disgusting habit. Lord, I desperately want to quit smoking. Please forbid me from buying another pack. I want to be done forever!! It’s got me and I ask that you break my chains to this nasty addiction. I believe in Your power, my Savior – with You, all things are possible. YOU are my only strengh because I don’t have any of my own. Please Jesus, let today be the last day I smoke a cigarette. I velive in miracles. I pray to wake up with no deisre to smoke! ZERO. May it last all day and forever more in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

What’s with the bold above, you may ask? At the bottom of the page, I was writing on was this verse:

“And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” – Jermiah 20:13

Reading these journal entries back, I marvel at the desperation.

It was so needed and but it wasn’t enough.

I needed to get more desperate.

And I did.

What a gift!

#morewillberevealed

My Reflections – Part 10

Just like when I quit drinking, it didn’t last long with the weed either.

August 18, 2021

It’s been 3 months since I have journaled. I guess you can say I have become very complacent and I have been on the verge of depression – without even realizing it. Today I begin again. Wait, A2 is up and wants to hang out. So real quick – it has become clear to me that God is working on my vanity. I can write more about it later but this is good. Thank you, God, for clarity.

August 19, 2021

This morning’s devotional was about choosing the right church. I love the church we go to. I was reminded of a prayer request I had been bringing to God and that is that we go to church as a family. Well, we haven’t been consistent yet, but I can confidently say that God did answer my prayer because H is now willing to go as a family as long as it’s the 8:30 service. Praise the Lord! I pray we can start being consistent starting this weekend. Sooooo, what else do I need to update? Life is in session. I still have 20 pounds to lose and I have been super hard on myself and frustrated over it. I haven’t been dieting consistently or working out. It’s been a challenge due to scheduling or just simply lacking motivation. But God has been working on my vanity and teaching me to accept myself for what I look like now and reminding me that there are more important things in life. My house is always a mess and I’m trying to keep up. I decided I’m not going to work my biz for the time being and just focus on myself and my family. My family is the most important thing to me & I must be present for them. I’m still smoking weed and that has NOT been an issue for quite a while now. I’m so happy. I am still smoking cigs too and that I am feeling terrible about. I’m going to ask for Chantix again when I see my psych today. God please help me quit smoking. I know I don’t pray enough for that. I have so many prayers…where is my prayer journal? I must find it. Okay, enough journaling for now. Here’s to Thursday!

Will I ever quit?

What do you think?

#morewillberevealed

My Reflections – Part 9

If you’ve been with me for a while, you’ll know that I proudly shared that I was in recovery from alcohol and still used cannabis. Well…

May 13, 2021

It’s just after 7:00pm and I am anxiously awaiting my meeting to start. Today is Day 7 sober and I’ll be honest, I’m not loving it at all. When I quit drinking, I experienced the “pink cloud” where I felt really good. That dissipated and I wanted to keep drinking for several years into my recovery. Unfortunately, I see no pink cloud in the horizon. My girls continue to send my blood boiling and the urge to smoke stronger and stronger. I just realized I haven’t prayed much today. I haven’t asked God to remove the desire or the obsession 0 and both are still very strong. Why must I be an alcoholic and addict? I know God made me this way so why even ask why? At one point, I looked at my alcoholism as an asset because it threw me into the recovery world where I know I am to find freedom and help others find the same. So why all of a sudden do I want no part of this? And why don’t I want this as bad as I did last week? God, please please please help me change. I want to want sobriety again. I NEED to, that I do know because You have been asking this of me for a long time. I want to obey. I want to do what You ask of me. But I also want what I want and that is to use weed responsibly like I was able to for so long. At this point, the only thing keeping me sober is not disappointing You or the people who have been supporting me on this quest. God, Your will be done, not mine. I love You & trust You. Amen!

How long do you think I lasted?

#morewillberevealed

My Reflections – Part 8

Alright, so things are about to get REAL real. I’ve always been pretty transparent and vulnerable, but I feel like this might be taking it to another level. At the end of the day though, while this IS my story, it’s not about me.

April 27, 2021

I am full of gratitude today. Every day seems to be getting better and better and I give God all the glory. I have Him on my mind a lot throughout the day. Every time He enters my mind, I bow my head or, if possible, hit my knees. I hope I continue to do this and don’t allow myself to stray or get complacent. When that happens, I fall into poor thinking patterns. The way my brain is wired, I must remain vigilant. Today is Tuesday and I am home with P until noon when she goes to school. Sounds like kids will get to go back to full time May 10, which would be awesome. I don’t know if I have even written about what exactly went down last year that upended the lives of millions upon millions around the globe…

Y’all know what went down in 2020. It was filled with fear, sadness, anger, and division.

…I’m also in need of losing 20 pounds. My weight is really bothering me. My diet was shit for months and now I’m trying to reverse what I did to myself. It’s coming off super slowly, which is frustrating. But I’m gonna keep working at it, just like the weed. I will succeed.

2 weeks later.

May 11, 2021

I’m so tired today. I know I’m not fueling my body properly or taking my vitamins. Good news: I have lost 10 pounds and I attribute that to conscious eating, less eating and not binging on sweets at night. Today is Day 5 no weed and it has been somewhat easy. I have been very irritable with the girls – last night, I almost smoked. I have cried today and have prayed so many times. My biggest fear is failing my children and I know that’s the devil trying his hardest to keep me down. He is not happy when I am leaning on God for literally everything right now. Lord, I pray for my daughters. Protect them from me as I continue to work on myself and get sober for real this time. I’m so tired! Tired of fighting the rage I have inside when my girls fight or constantly disobey/not listen. It drives me insane and I lose control of my temper. I had a handle on this at one point but I feel now I have reverted back to behaviors that bring on shame, remorse and guilt. Again, that is the enemy and I rebuke him in the name of Jesus Christ. We went to church as a family this past Sunday and it was so good to be back. It had been months. I had to wait to get vaccinated. I have my second shot on Sunday and then I will be fully vaccinated. Depression keeps trying to creep in and I fight that with prayer too. Prayer is the answer for all my troubles today. Thank you, God!

Seriously, this isn’t about me.

Okay, it is but it isn’t.

It’s about you too.

It’s really about…

…us.

#morewillberevealed

My Reflections – Part 7

Oh, that we might know the LORD! Let us press on to know Him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring. – Hosea 6:3

When I’m in His will, I’m good.

When I’m in my will, I’m not.

March 21, 2021

It’s been exactly 2 weeks since I journaled. My oh my, was I in a dark place. It was utter torture. Every day I woke up not wanting to get out of bed. I slept as much as I could get away with. I have never experienced such turmoil inside. Praise my God, my Heavenly Father, for delivering me, miraculously, on Friday afternoon. Friday morning I was crying at work and less than 12 hours later, it was literally taken away. I have surrendered to the whisper that I needed to return to AA and get a new sponsor. After I got off the phone with C, I felt it. The feeling of dread, gloom and helplessness disappeared. I hit my knees in praise and thanksgiving. I KNEW God would answer my prayers. I have prayed so hard, so many times, every day, for 3 months (pretty much that long.) Once again, He proved Himself faithful and I want to tell everyone about it. God is so good!

April 5, 2021

Of course, it’s been days, maybe 2 weeks since I wrote last. This seems to be a pattern. I have a ton of incomplete journals. I have always gone in phases. I bet it correlates with my bipolar. Right now, I think I might be manic. OR the Holy Spirit has taken over…which, I have prayed for again and again. Praise the Lord. I came to change my clothes but just wanted to update. Everything is so so good. I am enjoying my girls today…last night was another story. Wow. But, I did handle it well, thanks to prayer and some weed. I quit again and even changed my date. But I’ve already relapsed so I’ll try quitting again when I run out or it makes me depressed. It most certainly can and if I do get depressed, then for reals for reals, I’m quitting. Not worth depression to keep smoking. Screw that! Thank you, Lord for coming to my rescue once again. Show me your ways. I want to embody your love.

I was being told that the marijuana was making me depressed and of course, just like during my drinking days, I refused to accept it.

I did, however, consider it.

#morewillberevealed

My Reflections – Part 6

It’s safe to say that I have not followed through with my intentions for this blog this year. I want to blame pure laziness but if I’m really being honest, and I may have said this before, I think the root reason is because I don’t want to tell some of the “what happened” portions of the story. Why? It’s simple.

Fear.

Fear of what others will think. Fear of upsetting people. Fear of not presenting the message I want to convey properly. Fear of many unknowns. Fear is paralyzing.

But I am told to fear not – 365 times in the living and active Word of God – so I will do the opposite and have courage. I’ll continue along with the My Reflections series and share my journal entries to guide the process. I left off with telling you that my new psychiatrist told me he didn’t think I was bipolar and told me I didn’t have to quit the weed. Let’s proceed, shall we?

March 1, 2021

Today is Day 5 no sweets and Day 1 no weed. God asked me to quit AGAIN yesterday and this time I am obeying. I have disobeyed long enough. Will it be forever? I hope not. But my sober date is coming up and I owe it to myself – more importantly, to God – to clear my mind completely. I believe and trust this will be a game-changer. Depression is really lingering; I hope it lifts soon. I am home with A1 for an upset tummy. I should be happy for the extra time with her but I’m not. 😦

March 4, 2021

Praise be to my Father, Savior of the world, the Great Physician – my Lord Jesus Christ. I rejoice for my medication kicked in this morning. 2 weeks to the day! I was sure it would take 4+ but prayed so hard every day for it to be lifted. I knew God heard my prayers which is why I kept praying even though I felt far away. Thank you, God, again for your mercy and grace. Picked A1 up from her extra reading class, went to dispensary – yes, I caved. But for the first time ever, I left with only one thing. I don’t feel bad and if I see it becoming an issue, I’ll know immediately and stop again. More breaks. That’s all. I hope. If it’s God’s will. How about that? God’s will over mine any day!…..I’m just so grateful. So grateful to be on the other side of that darkness. Now I will watch for mania and I have Zyprexa if I need it. Hopefully I can keep myself in check without it. We’ll see. It’s in God’s hands.

March 7, 2021

Today is Day 11 of the sugar fast and I cheated the past couple days. I’m feeling guilt and remorse over that and smoking weed the past 2 days…no, 3 days. I know God is trying to get my attention. I honestly think I gotta put it down for good. Maybe the occasional smoke but I can’t do this habitually anymore. Good news, I know I am already forgiven – now I need to forgive myself and press on. I just feel so depressed again. God will get me through this, just like He did before. I trust Him.

Today is September 8, 2023. There’s still so much ground to cover and things to unpack.

So you know what’s I’m going to say…

…keep coming back.

#morewillberevealed