Skeletons 3.10 – My Recovery Resistance

“I can trust that God is part of every detail of my life today. I can either be peaceful about what happens or be resistant and miss my opportunity to contribute.” – Karen Casey, A Woman’s Spirit, April 3.

I have been in and out of AA for 11 years. I have had 4 sponsors and have never truly completed the 12 steps. Why? I could give you a comprehensive list of very logical “reasons” but at the end of the day, what it really boils down to is 3 excuses:

  1. I wanted to keep smoking weed and AA is against that.
  2. I didn’t really want to do the 12 steps as outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (BB).
  3. Should I ever be asked to sponsor anyone, I didn’t want to condone the “God of your own understanding” as one’s Higher Power when I serve and have been called to bear witness to the one, true, living God, Jesus Christ.

You know what? I can’t leave out a big one and it’s that I am insecure in my sharing in meetings. I could go on and on dissecting why that is but honestly, I don’t want to. Bottom line?

Perfectionism, self-obsession, ego and pride. Those are the drivers that have held me back from sharing in AA. And guess what, from what I hear, if I do the 12 steps as suggested, those things will slip away. So what the heck have I been waiting for?

Desperation. That’s what. I needed to get desperate.

Growing up, my dad would always say “persistence wears down resistance. Always has. Always will.”

God has a way of getting my attention when I’m not living in His will. Back when I was drinking, He gave me LOTS of opportunities to get sober and I didn’t heed His still small voice. I got sober from alcohol but I didn’t get emotionally sober, nor did I stay clean and sober after I started smoking pot after 1 year 3 months of sobriety.

He patiently persisted and pursued me for another 9 years and then His still small voice got louder and louder.

I willfully disobeyed His gentle instructions, and I suffered the consequences.

And now it’s time to tell you about it.

Ugh, I really don’t want to.

But I will.


Published by Holly "Pixie" Hust

I am a "12 Stepper" who also practices harm reduction recovery in sunny southern California. I am a wife and mother who strives to help other women discover their relationship with alcohol and how they can live their best lives without it.

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