“I can trust that God is part of every detail of my life today. I can either be peaceful about what happens or be resistant and miss my opportunity to contribute.” – Karen Casey, A Woman’s Spirit, April 3.
I have been in and out of AA for 11 years. I have had 4 sponsors and have never truly completed the 12 steps. Why? I could give you a comprehensive list of very logical “reasons” but at the end of the day, what it really boils down to is 3 excuses:
- I wanted to keep smoking weed and AA is against that.
- I didn’t really want to do the 12 steps as outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (BB).
- Should I ever be asked to sponsor anyone, I didn’t want to condone the “God of your own understanding” as one’s Higher Power when I serve and have been called to bear witness to the one, true, living God, Jesus Christ.
You know what? I can’t leave out a big one and it’s that I am insecure in my sharing in meetings. I could go on and on dissecting why that is but honestly, I don’t want to. Bottom line?
Perfectionism, self-obsession, ego and pride. Those are the drivers that have held me back from sharing in AA. And guess what, from what I hear, if I do the 12 steps as suggested, those things will slip away. So what the heck have I been waiting for?
Desperation. That’s what. I needed to get desperate.
Growing up, my dad would always say “persistence wears down resistance. Always has. Always will.”
God has a way of getting my attention when I’m not living in His will. Back when I was drinking, He gave me LOTS of opportunities to get sober and I didn’t heed His still small voice. I got sober from alcohol but I didn’t get emotionally sober, nor did I stay clean and sober after I started smoking pot after 1 year 3 months of sobriety.
He patiently persisted and pursued me for another 9 years and then His still small voice got louder and louder.
I willfully disobeyed His gentle instructions, and I suffered the consequences.
And now it’s time to tell you about it.
Ugh, I really don’t want to.
But I will.