My Reflections – Part 2

Oh, that we might know the LORD! Let us press on to know Him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring. – Hosea 6:3 NLT

Okay, so first things first, let’s address the bipolar diagnosis because I have decided I don’t really want to dive into the specific details of what led up to it. The bottom line is, I have been using drugs and alcohol for most of my adult life and those things drastically alter anyone’s brain chemistry. At the time of my diagnosis in the fall of 2020, I was taking an antidepressant, smoking lots of weed and macro-dosing magic mushrooms. I wasn’t going on full on trips but I definitely was having some intense thoughts and displaying very manic behavior.

What happened after that was I was taken off my antidepressant and put on a different one, along with a mood stabilizer AND Chantix to help me quit smoking cigarettes. I wasn’t advised to ween off my previous antidepressant and things got very very dark.

Since today is April 27. I WAS going to post my journal entry from the same exact date from 2021 but then I decided to look back at the beginning of the year. I found a pivotal moment in my story that needs to be shared. So here is my journal entry from January 24, 2021; 3 months after my medication change under the care of a doctor who I discovered was NOT a psychiatrist. I take responsibility for not doing my due diligence when I chose her. BUT, it was all meant to be because I had to go through what I did to know what I know today.

January 24, 2021

“Remain in me, dear child and I will make your path straight.” That is what I heard just now as I re-read today’s devosh [short for devotional]. Grace. God’s grace is upon me – I stand at a turning point. I hope, I pray. Today, the demons in my head really wanted me dead. That’s the first time I have ever said that, let alone thought it. I also said out loud, yesterday, to myself & God “I don’t want to live anymore.” Strangest thing cuz I have never thought that in my life! Ever! As soon as I said it, I then said “what? no…where did that come from?” So weird. K told me I shouldn’t be taking the Wellbutrin with Chantix. The f***? Why is my doc prescribing this then? I need to get this sorted out because the way I feel is unacceptable. I cannot and will not live like this. God help me!”

As I continue to read my journal entries during my depression, I’m being called to keep sharing them.

So I will.

I might share them in their entirety, or I might leave some things out. I don’t know.

But here is what I do know:

More will be revealed.

Published by Holly "Pixie" Hust

I am a "12 Stepper" who also practices harm reduction recovery in sunny southern California. I am a wife and mother who strives to help other women discover their relationship with alcohol and how they can live their best lives without it.

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