My Rationalization

I am finally ready to start blogging again. I have wanted to return to it for a long time but I had to go through some stuff and I simply wasn’t capable. I’ll tell you ALL about it. For now, I need to clean out my drafts folder. I started this post with just a title: My Rationalization. That’s it. I never finished it. I’m not sure what I WAS planning on writing back when I started this post in 2020. What I can tell you was that I was macro dosing magic mushrooms, smoking lots of marijuana and getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder. What followed after that started my decline to another series of rock bottoms before I decided to surrender once and for all. But before I tell you the what it was like, what happened and what it is like now, let’s do a little bullet point refresher of what you can go back to read by clicking on my story, if you so desire:

• I started this blog in the fall of 2017 to come out of the closet as a person in recovery from alcohol who still smoked marijuana and was very proud of it. I was sick of lying about it and wanted to live my most authentic self, whether you liked it or not.
• I didn’t reveal that information for a while, going back and forth between talking about the past in my drinking career and present circumstances as a wife and mom of two young daughters just trying to survive life with untreated alcoholism and addiction (even though I was convinced I was treating my issues just fine.)
• Not only that, I wanted to expose the offenders in my life – using lots of foul language with intentions of hurting them and making them feel small, should they ever find their way to my blog. I have since edited and removed posts because that is not the person I am today and I have ended up forgiving all of them (and myself.)
• I blogged very inconsistently until 2020, 4 times in 2021 and 1 time in 2022. Just. one.time.
• I encourage you to go back and read the last few posts, starting with My Recovery Restored. Seriously…go and read those last 7 posts and then keep an eye out for the next post on Monday, February 13.

Before I end this, I need to circle back to “My Rationalization.” What’s that all about anyway? Let’s look at the definition:

The action of attempting to explain or justify behavior or an attitude with logical reasons, even if these are not appropriate.

It’s a defense mechanism of the ego and I have been no stranger to this tactic of deceiving myself while trying to deceive others in the process. Justifying and blaming to protect my ego and not “get in trouble.” It may sound like it makes sense when doing it but at the end of the day, it’s a lie.

I don’t want to get to ahead of myself here because I have a lot to tell you but I’ll tell you this since it fits within the context of this post:

I am currently on step 4 where I take personal inventory of MY wrongs when it comes to my resentments towards others. And the running themes are…

…drum roll pleeeeeaaaaasssse…

Dishonesty and selfishness.

#morewillberevealed