This is why *** are necessary and the reason for their own page in the menu. I imagine most of my readers CBB to read these but for those that want to, you can find them here. I have organized them in order of the posts, starting with the most recent and working backwards. You can go back to the post by clicking on the title above my explanations/mini convos/other stories.
My Reprimands – Part 1
*and by chatting i mean a combination of crying my eyes out, asking him what was going to happen to me and flirting to stroke his ego. I guess another way to put it, it was my vain attempt in manipulating the dude into taking pity on me and “giving me a pass.” But this was a bullet I was not gonna dodge this time.
**Okay, okay, now listen: with my hands behind my back, my tank and bra straps were dangling off my shoulders. I tearfully exclaimed that I didn’t want people to think I was picked up for prostitution and asked him to fix them for me. He respectfully adjusted them. Aside from consensual hugs or snuggles with men in my family growing up, any physical contact other than a handshake from a male was considered flirting. So it must have been the simple fact that he adhered to my (again) manipulative and flirtatious request that cued that BRIEF irrational thought.
*This biz and I have a history that goes back over 20 years, so we are basically sisters by choice. We both have walked through shit, seen some shit, talked shit and laughed at shit. Sometimes our shit has gotten in the way of us seeing eye to eye on some shit and we have to take some time and think about that shit. But like sisters do, we always let that shit go and move on. We’re in that type of shit right now and I most certainly do give a shit. She’s my ROD for fuck sake. We’re talking Thelma and Louise status or some shit. You feel me?
* I have been blessed to have some pretty badass people in my life. Friendship is extremely valuable to me and I never want to take mine with others for granted. Unfortunately, I did when I was drinking. Some more than others. But the two friends who got front row seats to my rise and fall in alcoholism were my besties of besties. They know WTF they are.
**On principle, I never did watch that movie. Not when it was available to rent or buy either. Now I can’t remember what it was called.
***To this friend, I think you know WTF you are. Visit the letters page.
* My alcoholism was in full effect and I can’t remember if I was excited to plan the 10 year or not. I THINK I was. I also thought it was a good idea to try to make it a two-part reunion: adult gathering one night, family picnic the next. Plans were not set or executed well at all for the picnic day and I woke up hungover AF. I won’t go into more details as to why it was a colossal failure but it was and for that reason, I vowed to never plan another reunion again. And yet here I am.
**Codependency, ugh, my most glaring “defect” if you will. I fucking hate it. But I’m so glad I have figured that out about myself. Now I can finally be proactive in correcting it by implementing the tools necessary to do so.
* For the record, we were not “those kids” tho, we had been there since elementary school. However, I do believe we both dated and/or pined over guys who were sent there for those reasons. In fact, I married one of them.
** I have watched a grand total of ZERO episodes in this series so I really don’t know WTF I am talking about.
*** Even though we had been physical with each other a few times over the years, I also considered him a BBC. However, I was always jealous or disapproving of all of his girlfriends. This particular night, he had a beautiful Brazilian girl with him and of course, I disliked her immediately. She and I would go on to “compete with each other” and write on his MySpace wall right after the other would over and over again. I won’t go into the irony of that particular fact and just say this: I won!
****The OTHER roommate. I doubt you’ll ever read this but in case you do, you know WTF you are and I think you know WTF I think you did. Shame on you. That is all.
*****I love this story and I don’t even feel bad about it. Sorry not sorry. (SNS)
******Starting in March of last year, “love interests” from my past started coming out of the woodwork; in such a way that I couldn’t ignore there being a bigger purpose behind it. I was stressing over it with B1 and she suggested that it sounded like I needed to work on my “sex inventory.” FINE! I’ll do it. In this blog (kinda)….with their own page titled: DUDS.
* That is until I saw him at Costco one afternoon last year. He definitely didn’t look the same but then again, neither did I. It HAD been 12 years after all but he seemed surprised by the sight of me and I was surprised by him. We shared a couple pleasantries, he told me he was still unwed to his lady of over 10 years and he made light of the fact that he’s really on thin ice when it comes to a marriage proposal.
We bid farewell and all I could think was: sweeeeet sooooo-berrrr sat-is-faaaaa-ction.
*C1 suggested that maybe I had an ulcer. I consulted google and had determined right then and there that I had an ulcer and was quite possibly dying. I kid. I didn’t think I was dying. But I’m convinced I have an ulcer. I should probably see my doc about that.
*Not my first boyfriend but my first long term boyfriend. That loser of all losers (I typed 3 different descriptors before settling for that one) will get his in this blog, believe you me. While I try to live a life free of casting judgement and speak kindly about others, I will not hold back when it comes to him. Like I said in my About page, I have to get some shit off my chest and with that is gonna come brutal honesty that is going to come off pretty harsh. And guest what, I don’t GAF!…**UPDATED**…well, okay, I think I kinda do GAF. Not what HE would think IF he read this but I do GAF what my HP thinks. And I know my HP wants me to be forgiving of those who have crossed me. So, I’ll tryyyyyy to be good.
**Notice that there isn’t a “V” for 5 years? I’m pretty sure B3 chose that token on purpose since she knew about my BBS. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right. If I am, I ain’t mad about it. I have carried it with me ever since and will continue to do so.
*I haven’t had a sponsor in close to 3 years and I’ll likely never have one again. Keep reading my blog and you’ll find out why…**UPDATED**…I MAY have a change of heart on that one. I don’t know. Seriously. I don’t. #morewillberevealed
**Where are years 2 & 3? I gave them all away to my birdies and someday, they’ll likely pass it along to someone else as well. That’s how it works. Pass it on so someone else can live happy, joyous and free.
*That’s right, I’ve got a record and have seen the inside of a jail several times. More on that later (or maybe not…more will be revealed.)
**I have been pregnant a total of 3 times, in fact, I think 4. The first time I had no idea I was pregnant. My boyfriend (and now husband) and I were living in our very first apartment. One day, my breasts were beyond tender to the touch and hurt like a bitch. This was never a symptom of PMS. I also recall quitting smoking out of the blue without even trying. I’d later hear about a “missed miscarriage” and now I do believe that was what happened. The second time I was pregnant, we weren’t REALLY trying. It was spring of 2011 and I hadn’t had a cycle in months. I was sure something was wrong with me and I already had had fears that I would never get pregnant. I HAD been irresponsible with birth control over the years and I couldn’t believe I’d never gotten pregnant. So when I finally went in to see the doctor to find out what was up, I was pleasantly surprised to find out I was VERY newly pregnant. I was ELATED. 8 weeks later I’d find out the baby had stopped growing who knows when. I was DEVASTATED. The one thing I had dreamed about and wanted so badly was taken away from me and the only way I knew how to cope was to drink the pain away. And that is just what I did. Hence the beginning of my downward spiral into the pits of utter despair.
*remember, I mentioned a couple relapses in Part 2. I did go on to relapse twice after that wedding weekend. One time I got caught, and the second time I almost got caught. The call was too close and I could not risk it again because the stakes were too high.
*As we prepared to get into the car, the groom was taking a big swig out of a bottle of hard liquor that I never in a million years would choose if I had options. But that didn’t stop me from asking him for a swig of my own. He refused because he knew I was in rehab. I really didn’t need it though, I was drunk enough. But I still wanted more…and I still drove us home.
*short for the app Marco Polo, which you will read more about in the future.
*Listen – if you are one of those parents that does Elf on the Shelf that way, I cast no judgement. Too each their own. You do you and keep having fun! What’s the point if you’re not having fun?
*I’m talking white as fuck (AF.) No ivories or creams but the whitest of whites to emphasize the innocence of their female graduates. As you can see, if you look close enough, I took very good care of my graduation dress to ensure that it remained untainted…much like my innocence.
**Official amends #1: To the bestie who I totally tattled on, if you didn’t know, now you do: it was me. I was so naive and thought you were hurting yourself smoking those things. By no means does that justify being a narc but I have always felt bad about it and need you to know what motivated that decision and that I’m sorry.
***That was me, all day, every day. I hated tucking my shirt in and would leave it un-tucked for as long as I could, resulting in a number of detentions…and I dodged many.
****I never rebelled against this rule and considering my long history with the opposite sex, I find that quite mind boggling to be honest with you.
*We alcoholics refer to NON-alcoholics as “normies.” Check out my Instagram page for the perfect example.
**there are various versions of this prayer, I happen to like this one.