My Reflections – Part 4

As you may or may not know, I have had a love/hate relationship with AA for my entire “sobriety.” In and out and I would go. Even proclaiming I was done numerous times, always to find myself back in a meeting. Just like I did with my drinking. I quit and start again countless times. It took me forever to honestly identify as an alcoholic but I knew it down deep in my core that I was. Every time I introduced myself, “My name is Pixie and I’m an alcoholic,” I was lying.

To myself.

I was in extreme denial. I didn’t want it to be true. I was just telling them what I THOUGHT they expected me to say. It was what everyone else was doing and I wanted to fit in. But I didn’t dare talk about it with anyone else in my circle. I would not admit my alcoholism to anyone and I hung onto the statements from people who didn’t know the whole truth. Or those friends who would flat out say “I don’t think you’re an alcoholic.”

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2/7/21

Well, another week has passed. I don’t think I feel as bad as a week ago but I’m definitely not where I wanna be yet. God has been tugging at my heart for a long time about the weed and I don’t remember if I mentioned mushrooms here yet or not but that ended for good on Friday. I took some in the morning and had the worst anxiety. I threw out the rest and will never do that again. I can’t wait for my psych appt. I was even contemplating somehow manipulating for Adderall, but I know for sure I won’t do that either. I know what would happen. Just like booze, it’s a death trap. But now I need to deal with the weed again. I want this to be the last time. Yet, I’m still not wanting to give it up for good. Sigh. Okay, I should go hang with the girls. We went to the snow this weekend with my sister and her family. So fun. I am happy I can say that.

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So what IS the truth?

My name is “Pixie” and I am an alcoholic and an addict. If I can swallow, smoke or snort it, I’m all in.* If it makes me feel different, hand it over and don’t try to make me stop once I have started. If you take it away, I will get more and hide it from you for as long as I can.

It’s sick.

Because it’s a disease.

Of the mind.

And if I’m REALLY being honest?

The heart.

#morewillberevealed

P.S. I should have 1 year without cigarettes today. But I don’t. I relapsed just one month shy of a year. I used to judge and shame myself into a state of depression for “messing up.” Not today. I see exactly why I relapsed and I refuse to be manipulated and tricked by that inner voice telling me I suck. I know that voice and it’s not mine.

It’s his.

Whose?

The father.

Of lies.

That’s who.