A Rebel is Coming Out (of the Closet)

For the remainder of the year, I’ll be republishing posts. This was my very first blog post published on November 13, 2017.

I finally tackled the daunting task of purging, sorting and organizing my over cluttered closet yesterday. That shit show gave me a small dose of anxiety every time I walked in. It progressively got worse as each week passed; I’d tell myself over and over I’m going to get rid of a ton of stuff I don’t wear, use or need anymore and put everything else in it’s place. The magnitude of such an endeavor was paralyzing. Every once in a while I’d put shoes & clothes away and maybe organize one section that has gone sideways. I’d feel so accomplished🙄But it never lasted. It was only a matter of time before it was chaos once again.

I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I went full throttle – purging, sorting and organizing sections one at a time. I started with the one big thing I wanted to do the least and got it over with as fast as I could: a huge heaping pile of clothes. Before I knew it, I was done. But am I? No. I still have a few items to sift through and decide if it’s worth holding on to. I’ve accomplished a lot more than I thought I would so I’ll come back to those.

That, my friends, is also the story of my life when it comes to my drinking career, my forced retirement, my step work (or lack there of) and where I stand in my recovery 5 years and 8 months later without a sip of alcohol. I’ve entered into a new phase of my development where it is time I get honest and openly work a program that incorporates the 12-Steps of AA and some other tools I’ve picked up along the way.

I had a counselor once tell me “you are a good girl who likes to rebel…we need to find a healthy way for you to do that.”

Well, I have arrived.

Some might consider my way the “easier softer way” and that I’m playing with fire; increasing the risk of being led back to the one drug that made my life unmanageable and picking up right where I left off.

Well, maybe I am getting too close to the flame.

But I’m rebel.

And I can’t deny it anymore.


Published by Holly "Pixie" Hust

I am a "12 Stepper" who also practices harm reduction recovery in sunny southern California. I am a wife and mother who strives to help other women discover their relationship with alcohol and how they can live their best lives without it.

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