August 9, 2021
I don’t even really want to write in here now but I haven’t used my time wisely all day and might as well while the girls play on the phones. They haven’t played on them much for most of the year – they’ve been playing with friends. We have such a great neighborhood. Now A1 is talking & I am distracted. Oh, she got scammed on Roblox. Geez, what is our world coming to? I wish Jesus would come back. Speaking of Jesus, I feel like I have been slacking on my spiritual fitness. And I have the time! I don’t know why I always do this! I always feel so yuck – and I do. This year has been the year of depression. Currently, I’m not as low as I was in the beginning of 2021. 3 months of mental hell. I hope I never get that way again. That said, I do feel it trying to creep in – I mean, it has. It has set in because I’m sleeping every chance I get. I think my working out is keeping my head above water, to be honest. I am not applying myself anywhere else, that’s just a fact. And I don’t like it! So why can’t I seem to get anything accomplished? I do the bare minimum in my house, at my job, even as a mom – which I am ashamed to admit. Hmmm, lots of guilt, shame and remorse – the enemy’s tactics with me. Why can’t I shake this daily self-deprecation? I always being it back to God because it’s His will that I want to pursue. Am I not seeking enough? Probably. I really want to resume my 3 times a day routine. Tomorrow, I’ll start tomorrow. Actually, I’ve still…no…it hasn’t been consistent. I will strive for that. Sigh. I have been very short with the girls. Mostly A2. I just am so easily over stimulated and she’s a lot sometimes. “Hanger!” I need to eat more! My eating habits are shit because I’m dieting and still smoking cigs.
THAT is my biggest challenge. Bringing it back to God again. Have I fervently prayed every day for relief from this addiction? No, no I have not. I MUST do this daily, multiple times a day and just freakin do it already! I do not want to be smoking when I turn 42. I simply cannot continue this disgusting habit. Lord, I desperately want to quit smoking. Please forbid me from buying another pack. I want to be done forever!! It’s got me and I ask that you break my chains to this nasty addiction. I believe in Your power, my Savior – with You, all things are possible. YOU are my only strengh because I don’t have any of my own. Please Jesus, let today be the last day I smoke a cigarette. I velive in miracles. I pray to wake up with no deisre to smoke! ZERO. May it last all day and forever more in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
What’s with the bold above, you may ask? At the bottom of the page, I was writing on was this verse:
“And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” – Jermiah 20:13
Reading these journal entries back, I marvel at the desperation.
It was so needed and but it wasn’t enough.
I needed to get more desperate.
And I did.
What a gift!
#morewillberevealed
My Recovery Revealed 
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