Revealed: It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. (BB, pg. 85)
I remember the first time I learned that smoking pot was a no no in the rooms of AA. I was sitting in a meeting watching a woman take a 1 year token after “smoking a little weed” when she had 11 years of sobriety. I distinctly remember a part of her share when she received the coin and it went SOMETHING like this:
“I really don’t want to be taking this token but my sponsor is making me.”
I thought it was ridiculous that a woman with long term sobriety would be “told” she had to start over. I still do and that’s why I kept my “marijuana maintenance” a secret for so long.
Revealing my chosen recovery path here isn’t the first time I have “outed myself.” I came clean to 3 friends a few years ago and their response was this:
“So? The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking.”
I couldn’t believe my ears and was really happy they were so accepting. It was a game changer for me and I started going back to meetings. But not regularly. Even though no one else in the program knew, I still felt like an outcast and “not worthy” to be an active member of AA. Down deep, I really did want to be “a part of” but I was convinced I wouldn’t be accepted if I fully “got honest.” I felt like a fraud and it was killing me inside. I could NOT let go of the idea that I didn’t belong because I WAS doing it “my way” and if they knew, they’d shun me. Why?
MY ego.
MY pride.
MY will.
I was IN self and entering the danger zone, distancing myself further and further from the program.
I’ve heard countless times that people who smoke weed in recovery end up leaving AA altogether and eventually turn to the drink when life gets really hard. And guess what…
…it did. I left AA and then shit got real. And guess what…
…the thought to drink DID occur to me a handful of times. But did I?
#morewillberevealed
My Recovery Revealed 
I’m biding my time for when we can make the heroin maintenance program, or maybe the cocaine maintenance program… wait! Hold the phone! The beer maintenance program, that’s the ticket!
Same bullshit, different manipulation. If I need to escape by using, I’m not doing it right. Ya know what I mean?
Maybe the xanax maintenance program. Or we can go old-school pharmaceutical, the valium maintenance program…
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Thank you for your thoughtful (and funny!) comment. Believe it or not, I DO know what you mean.
Prior to “getting sober,” I never used MJ to escape – that’s what alcohol was for. That being said though, when I chose to use it as a harm reduction tool in early recovery, I was aware of the risks, hence my #1 “rule”: I cannot and will not use it to hide from my problems and stuff my feelings.
I’ll talk more about “what it’s like now” in Skeletons Part 3 but I can tell you that MJ is no longer a harm reduction tool for me. Yes, it’s a tool but it’s not the first tool I pick up. If it was – then yeah, I’m not “doing it right.”
Enjoy the rest of your Sunday. 🙂
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