This post was originally published on February 3, 2018. Things have changed since I wrote this. I am no longer in AA, as I have decided to enmesh myself in church. It was a conscious decision that I had made several times but this time, it’s sticking. I will forever be grateful to AA and its members. I wouldn’t be here without it.
Rejection: “Keep coming back, it works if you work it….because you’re worth it.”
I went to my home group meeting last night. I call it my home group but it’s really my ONLY group. I have gone to many a’meeting in my recovery, although, not as many as I’ve been told I should. I’ve taken long sabbaticals from all things AA multiple times because either a) I had a baby or b) I was over it all. However, I’ve kept.coming.back.
This home group was not my first home group. I had 2 before this one, just like I have had 2 sponsors. I have been going to this particular meeting for the past 3+ years, off and on, and have not had a sponsor, a sponsee OR a drink the entire time. On March 30th, I will not have had a single sip of alcohol for 6 years (now almost 9!)
I know a lot of women who have more time than me and others who have less but we are all alcoholics trying to get sober, stay sober and help others do the same. Have I considered myself an alcoholic this whole time? Nope. Have I wanted to “pass on the message” as suggested in Step 12? Nope. As you know, there was a time that I refused to accept my alcoholism, hated AA and had zero desire to “carry the message to the alcoholic that still suffers.” (Tradition 5, BB pg 562)
Today though? I fully accept my alcoholism, I NEED a sponsor and I want to help other women. I truly think it is one of my main purposes in life. Never did I ever think I’d feel this way. I seriously have wanted to abandon AA so many times. I have sworn I’d never get a sponsor again, nor will I ever sponsor another alcoholic. I have numerous explanations for this but I don’t want to get ahead of myself; ‘cuz, you know, I tend to do that. I’ll get there though, I promise.
Tonight, I met a woman who seemed desperate. When she walked into the room, I’m ashamed to admit, I judged her – thinking she was sure to be drunk, on drugs, or both. I watched her off and on during the meeting and felt like God needed me to talk to her but would I? After the close of the meeting, I overheard her ask another woman if she was sponsoring and she was told no. Kindly, not rudely, of course. But the searching woman slowly walked away, taking one final glance around the room and exited. Go, Pixie, go after her. That’s exactly what I felt compelled to do and I did. I introduced myself, reached out my hand, she took it but didn’t tell me her name back. She expressed a strong desire to find a sponsor and I wanted to say “I will!” but I couldn’t.
Remember, I don’t have a sponsor; and when finding a sponsor, it is suggested that you work with someone who also has a sponsor. Even though I am a rebel, my conscience won’t allow me to disobey that “rule” because working together isn’t really an option within the confines of AA. I still wanted to be of service so I gave her B3’s number because I know she’s ready to take on sponsees. The woman was abundantly thankful, embraced me and I hugged her back. I wasn’t sure when she’d let go but I let her do it first. It felt so good.
I found myself crying on the way home, sad at the fact that I can’t be her or anyone else’s sponsor at this present time.
Then my sadness turned to anger. I was angry at the reason why and that is this:
The last person I asked to be my “temporary sponsor” while I sorted my whole BBS and AA out, told me she would not sponsor me UNLESS I was willing to work with her on her terms. Fair enough. I’m not angry at her. I still think she’s awesome…and still wish that she’d be my sponsor (you know WTF you are!) I reached out to another woman to just TALK about finding a sponsor but she misunderstood me and also told me no, she would not sponsor me. I don’t carry a resentment towards her either. She’s a radiant human being and she still inspires me.
No, I’m angry at the evolution of AA and how its members have defined sobriety and recovery. “Their Way” would suggest that I am not “qualified” to be considered a sober, recovering alcoholic who can be sponsored and sponsor others.*
“They” would say I think I’m unique. As a human being, yes, I am. We ALL are. There is not a single person out there who is exactly like me. God made me ME. Just like he made each and every one of “them” (and you too!) unique in their (your) own special ways. But do I think I’m unique when it comes to the disease of alcoholism? Helllllllll no. For me, “to drink is to die.” I used to hate it when people said that in the rooms. I’d roll my eyes if I knew no one would see me. But today, I accept that as my truth and have no issue talking about it with anyone who wants, needs and/or deserves to listen.
Everything that I just shared has been weighing on me for the longest time. Where do I go from here? I pray daily for God to direct my thoughts, words and actions. I turn my will over to the care of my loving HP and know “the answers will come if my own house is in order.”
I THINK my prayers have been answered.
AM I worth it? I think I am, but do they?