Skeletons 2.13 – My Reasoning

Reasoning (past and present): “Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check.” (BB, pg 47.)

When it comes to marijuana use BEFORE getting sober, it’s been my observation that there are alcoholics who either: a) love marijuana and “fantasize” about smoking in sobriety or b) hate marijuana and more often than not, had only smoked when they were drunk…which…if I were them, I’d hate it too.  Surely there ARE those that have never smoked as well but I personally have only met one.

Some time after I “claimed my seat” in my former home group, B3’s sponsor reached out to me. She said she had some questions and wanted to explore the possibility of sponsorship. In our conversation, she mentioned that she had never smoked pot before so she didn’t know what it was like and wondered what I got out of it. So, of course, I told her. She asked how often I smoked and of course, I told her. I spoke honestly, holding nothing back and I felt zero judgment.  She didn’t end up becoming my sponsor but she still doesn’t judge me and if she does, she sure doesn’t show it. She is a gem of a woman and has helped MANY women get sober. B3’s sponsor, if you are reading this, you know WTF you are and I love you!

So, why do I smoke weed and what do I get out of it?

Well, for starters, as previously mentioned, my marijuana use was more of a harm reduction tool in the beginning.  I was a bitter dry drunk who did NOT want to be done drinking forever and being in social environments where alcohol was present was a big trigger for me.  Socially, pot allowed me to still feel “a part of”: they drank, I smoked. Sometimes the people that drank, also smoked, so I was not alone and that’s all I cared about – that I wasn’t alone. Had pot not been an option for me, I guarantee you I would have succumbed to the obsession and drank at one or more of these occasions. In fact, 2 years ago at 4+ years sober from alcohol, I came very close.

We were in New York for a wedding. At the reception, I barely knew anyone, my weed was in the hotel room, it was an open bar and the hubs had disappeared with his buddys. I can’t say that I was mad that he had left me alone, after all, he DID tell me where he was going. No, my high had long since worn off and I was mad that I didn’t bring my stash. So it wasn’t long after he was out of my sight that I thought “well? It’s gonna happen. I’m going to say fuck it and drink.” It was decided. The bar was screaming my name. But I just couldn’t do it. I knew I’d regret it immediately. Or worse, the phenomenon of craving would instantly kick in and more “unthinkables” would occur. Neither outcome was one I wanted to experience and I can tell you right now, it would more than likely have been the latter.

Today, I don’t care if I’m the only one in the room not drinking. And I don’t have to be getting high in the those environments to have fun or feel “a part of.” Do I still do it? When the occasion calls for it, you bet your sweet ass I do, discreetly or not.

I did use it for recreation as well.  H got to unwind with some beer and I had my, what B6 refers to as, “leafy greens.” I should also briefly mention another medicinal purpose it served for a new mother whose baby literally sucked the libido right out of her whilst breastfeeding. MJ served as an aphrodisiac, straight up. Mama Pixie had “gotten her groove back!” It was a win-win for all!

It remains ONE of my tools and aids in other areas today:

  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Mood enhancer
  • Insomnia
  • Being a mom

I drank for all the same reasons above, except for one of them: being a mom.

At the end of my drinking, I drank for only one reason: I wasn’t a mom.

I don’t drink today for a lot of reasons but there’s one MAIN reason: now, I AM a mom…

…of 2 girls…

…and they are watching me.

If I was drinking today, wanna know who else would be watching me?

CPS. That’s who.

#morewillberevealed

6 thoughts on “Skeletons 2.13 – My Reasoning

  1. I can’t believe what I just read. I hope some day you have the presence of mind to read that post again and realize how messed up that thinking is. CPS is still watching you because you’re a high-on. All you’re doing is trading addictions. By your own keyboard you say that you can’t cope with life on life’s terms so you get stoned. Your kids are watching, and that is unfortunate.

    I pray for you, child. You need the prayers and I (obviously) need the practice.

    Like

    • I must ask a couple questions: 1) what is a “high-on?” 2) are you implying CPS has their eyes on me? That’s laughable, but tell me what makes you think so and 3) do you think my daughters literally watch me smoke weed? That’s even more laughable.

      I clearly stated that it is ONE of my tools. I’m going to talk about it more in “What (by God’s Grace) It’s Like Now” but for the record: Prayer is and always will be my “sharpest tool in my cluttered shed that is my head.”

      That, my peer in recovery, is how I am able to do life and that’s as much as I can say at this time.

      I wish you a pleasant and restful weekend.

      – Pixie

      Like

      • 1: high-on, stoner. That pre-dates you a little bit. Sorry. I’m an old guy. 2: Weed isn’t a tool for recovery. Weed is a tool for drug use. 3: Using weed is the EXACT same thing as drinking – no better and no worse. You are using weed to do the same things you used alcohol for. 4: You’re not my peer in recovery. You’re not in recovery. You’re using drugs to transform how you feel because you can’t cope with life as life comes at you because you’re still sick. 5: I never said you let your kids smoke weed, interesting that you went there to protect your drug use.

        Dear, I don’t write the things I wrote lightly. I write them because I give a damn. If I didn’t care, I’d just skip over your post as if I never read it. You are 1) kidding yourself if you think getting high is “recovery” and 2) if you think your kids don’t know you’re high when you’re high… well, you’re stoned.
        Finally, I will have a restful weekend, thank you, because whether you see it now or are lucky enough to see it in ten or twenty years, I just helped an addict. This morning, I’m planting a seed in the mind of an addict that says “I shouldn’t need to get high in recovery. That’s not how recovery works”.

        It should piss you off, too. You should be offended, but I’m willing to tell you how it is rather than tip-toe around it with some BS “it’ll be okay, sweetheart” pat on the back.

        For that, I do apologize as well. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me and could look at another human being headed for a steep fall and not care, it would make my life a lot easier. I’m not that guy, though.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I genuinely appreciate your response and care. So thank you.

        I don’t know if you have taken the time to read the about page or if you have read my blog since it’s conception but there is a specific flow to it and I am writing with purpose and intent – which has organically changed as I have grown in my recovery. Not sobriety, recovery. I can’t really say much else but again, more will be revealed.

        I gotta say, I AM shocked I am not pissed or offended. But that right there goes to show how much I have grown and for that I am really proud. No one can take that away from me.

        Remember, this is a TRANSFORMATION blog. Please read my about page, that might clear some things up for you.

        I am NOT the same person I was when I started writing and the direction of this blog has changed drastically. Are you familiar with “The Promises” on pages 83-84 in the Big Book of AA? “…sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.” They HAVE been coming true for me this past year. It’s been miraculous and I’m so excited to share about all of that when the time comes.

        Have a blessed weekend.

        Like

  2. Yikes, I just re-read your comment and I need to clarify something: I asked if you thought I smoked weed in front of my daughters, not if I let them smoke weed.

    Also, I think it’s worth mentioning my they are 5 and 3. I haven’t even gotten into what that looks like in relation to my MJ use; so for me, your comments, as genuine as they sound, are just another example of how people can cast judgement or jump to conclusions based on limited information provided. I, of all people should know – I’ve had to learn that lesson enough times in my relationships personally, professionally and in recovery.

    As far as I’m concerned, God is the One who has the authority to judge me and how I live my life. I have been called to serve and I know this because if I wasn’t, I’d either be locked up or dead a long time ago.

    But I’m still here, without a drink for 6.5 years. To God be the glory.

    Like

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