But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns, and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. – “Alcoholics Anonymous,” Chapter 5, How it Works, page 66.
I was on a mini-getaway with my family. Less than 30 days off the cannabis, just over 30 days off nicotine and the obsession to drink was very alive and well. I thought I had rid myself of it but of course I didn’t. Cannabis was the proverbial band aid and now it was off.
Something was said that made me mad and that was it. I decided right then and there. Here’s what it sounded like in my head:
“oh yeah? okay….okay…that’s it. I’m drinking at dinner. I’ll order just one drink. I haven’t drank in so long, one drink will get me buzzed. It will be great. Then I’ll stop. Yeah. That’s what I’ll do. But what if I can’t? Don’t be stupid, of course you can. You’ll show them! You’re healed. You can totally drink now. If she can, then you can.“
We walked to the restaurant and passed by the hotel we stayed at the last time we were there, and I was reminded of what it was like back then: No kids but trying to conceive. The hotel had free wine and appetizers, and I took full advantage. I was drunk the entire time. It was so fun.
Then I thought to myself “okay, I can’t let that happen this time. I cannot get drunk. It will scare the girls. They have never seen me drink. I must play it cool. Yeah, one drink. Just one. That’s all I will have.”
It was a nice restaurant with a really fancy martini menu. I didn’t tell H that I was going to get a drink until our server took our order.
“I’ll have the Cherry Bomb please.”
H looked at me and I did not make eye contact.
Him: “Do you know what you are doing?”
Me: “Yeah. It’s just going to be one.”
Him: “Why don’t we get a delivery (of cannabis), I’m sure they’ll have it here.”
Me: “No.”
Him: “Do you seriously know what you are doing?”
Me: (silence)
The drink was placed in front of me and I thanked the server.
Can you guess what happened next?
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My Recovery Revealed 
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