Disclaimer: It’s been a while since my last post so, for context, go and read the post before this.
3 days later.
April 24, 2022 – AM
I don’t feel good. I didn’t feel good yesterday either. Depression seeping in ever so slowly. I can’t stand it! Whyyyyyyy?!?!?! I can’t function like this. Pretty sure it’s sin holding me down. Cigs, resentment towards H…kids being annoying…I feel separated from God once again. The joy & spark are missing.
(later that night)
I hate my life today. (Bleep) this (bleep). I’m smoking tonight after H goes to bed. I’m so mad at him. And my girls are irritating the (bleep) out of me. I want to run away right now. I want a new life. Geez, this is ridiculous sounding. I don’t really mean it. I’m just really sick of this. Honestly, I hate being sober. What is wrong with me? I’m totally cut off from the Spirit.
April 26, 2022
I did not smoke after H went to bed and I don’t feel how I did 2 days ago. Praise the Lord, that’s all I can say. I recognized sin was holding me down and made the decision to change my thinking. So I asked God for help. Making a decision is only half of it. Decision takes action and that’s where prayer comes in.
Just like drinking, I wasn’t ready to quit. I knew I needed to. In fact, back in my early 20s, I had written short and long term goals and one of them was to quit using cannabis. I had forgotten that until I came across the list while sorting through “memorabilia.” But at this stage in my recovery, it was still not something I wanted to do and was only trying to quit because other people had said I had to.
Not God. No, He had never told me I had to quit. I knew He wanted me to quit but He hadn’t actually told me to. I was trying to quit because I was a people pleaser. Everyone else BUT God had told me I HAD to quit. I don’t really like being told that I HAVE to do something that I don’t want to do. But I also don’t want to make people mad or disappointed in me. So I was quitting to please. And I continued to relapse.
Then one day, out of the blue, I received news that would rock my world. But, it wasn’t even my world being rocked. It was my bestie’s. And yet, in true emotionally immature fashion, I made it about me and found myself at another rock bottom, utterly devastated and incapable of managing my emotions. What happened, you ask? She drank. She uncovered infidelity, drank and continued to drink. Looking back now, I can’t believe I allowed what happened to affect me the way it did. However, putting myself in her shoes, I probably would have drank too.
I couldn’t even articulate WHY I was so destroyed over what was happening and no one close to me could understand. So, I decided to reach out to a couple people I felt might.
And they did. Next thing I knew, I was deciding to quit weed for real.
Just like when I would drink or smoke cigs AT people and uncomfortable circumstances, I was going to get clean and sober AT my bestie. Not because I wanted to be clean and sober, not because anyone was telling or asking me to (because at this point, they had stopped) but because I thought if I did, she would quit drinking and get sober. Everything would go back to normal and we’d be sober besties once again.
But my plan didn’t work. She didn’t get sober and neither did I. I continued to use cannabis until a random day in July, I was told to quit once again. Not by my husband, not by my kids, not by my parents, not by my friends, and not by the woman sort of sponsoring me. But it WAS someone I talked to every day. And for the first time ever…
…I heard His still small voice loud and clear.
#morewillberevealed
My Recovery Revealed 
Leave a comment