When I finally confessed to my 2nd sponsor, who was no longer my sponsor, that I had been using cannabis my whole recovery, one of her responses was “why are you hanging onto the dope?” Or maybe it was “I don’t understand why you are hanging onto the dope.” Regardless, I didn’t have an answer for her. Roughly 2-3 years later, I’d be asking myself that same question.
April 21, 2022
Yesterday was 4/20, a stoner’s holiday. Yep, I snuck weed, as I’m not supposed to be smoking. I have continued to smoke off and on without H knowing. Total addict behavior, I recognize this. So today I am moving into acceptance and will abstain. No more sneaking. Sigh. I really do need to let the weed go, just like the cigs. Why am I so hell bent on hanging onto it? I should only rely on God to help me with my struggles, which is namely A1 & A2. I still have very little patience for their antics: fighting, whining, complaining, and arguing with each other & me. I just don’t understand why they can’t/won’t listen and how I can go from 0 to 10 in a matter of seconds. God, I beg of you, please help me. I know you don’t want me smoking to manage my reactions. You & You alone should be my help and strength. Please help me!! Please fill me – invade my soul – so that I can walk & testify when the time comes. Amen.
April 23, 2022
…I had thrown my pen away on Thursday because I thought I was ready, but I am not. I can’t let go, especially when I’m being forced. So, I cried, called a few peeps, went to a meeting too because I found myself wanting to drink. The desire was so strong, and I had to get into solution.
At the time of those journal entries my daughters were 9 and almost 7. They are still up to the same antics but now I understand why: they’re freakin’ children; that’s what they do! They push parents’ buttons because they are kids. And they act up at home because it’s their safe place. I fought with my sister too. And I’m pretty sure I whined. No, in fact, I KNOW I whined and complained to my parents, especially my mom. Argued? Can’t recall that but I DO know that I manipulated her to get what I wanted. And I would carry that behavior well into adulthood too.
Now I understand why my first sponsor suggested I wait until I was finished with my 12 steps before I had children. It makes perfect sense. If I had, I would have healed stuff inside of me and been better equipped to cope and manage my emotions to respond, rather than react, to all the people, places and things that would upset me, especially my babies.
But because I didn’t wait, I was doing damage I could not undo, making promises I wouldn’t keep and not showing up as the mom I was meant to be.
At this point, they knew I smoked cigarettes and would also walk in on me when I was “taking my medicine.”
Excuse my language but “taking my medicine?” What a crock of shit.
I knew it.
But they didn’t.
And they still don’t.
But they will.
#morewillberevealed
My Recovery Revealed 
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