Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. – AA
Suicide. I had been personally affected by it, however, I remember very vividly saying to my parents in a drunken cry sesh: “now I know what he felt like and why he did what he did.” Two completely different stories but both of us suffered from alcoholism, just like many in our bloodline. And now 10 years later, I was kind of wanting to die but I wasn’t drinking….not alcohol anyway.
March 21, 2022
Well, first thing first: I smoked cigs. I totally blew it and caved after 20 something days. I don’t even know what day; I deleted the app after I discovered my phone was hacked. No one believes me. In fact, everyone thinks I’m psychotic right now. But I swear I am not. I know what I’ve seen & heard. I know what I feel, based on my intuition. But no one believes me. Instead, I’ve been evaluated and put back on my medications that I stopped taking. Fine, I’ll take them, but I will remain firm in my faith – what I truly feel the Holy Spirit has told me. I can trust no one. And I won’t for who knows how long. I honestly don’t know where to begin. I feel like I’m being watched constantly. I feel like people I met online had ulterior motives. I don’t trust my neighbors; I don’t even trust my own husband. Which is why I DO know something isn’t right in my head. I want to write down everything, but I don’t want to re-live it all and increase paranoia. All I know is I am going to rise above this victoriously. I just want to be silent. Lord, please help me. I’m beside myself. I know I have you. YOU are all I need. Your grace & mercy is sufficient. I know I can’t be of good use to You while I am in this place. Please restore my sanity. Thy will be done, not mine. Amen.
The very next day, I wrote this prayer too:
Please relieve me of the demons inside me trying to ruin my life. I know I can count on God to restore me to sanity. I will take the medicine, but God will rescue me, not the medicine.
The medicine – an anti-anxiety med, anti-psychotic and mood stabilizer. Prior to this episode, I had been off my mood stabilizer for months, taking my antidepressant and consuming massive amounts of THC in liquid form.
After I finally leveled out, I recognized that indeed, I was in full blown psychosis and none of things I THOUGHT God was telling me were true. When I came home from staying at my parents’ house, all of my cannabis paraphernalia had been discarded and I was being told I was done using it. And just like when I got my 2nd DUI and told to quit drinking, I acquiesced knowing darn well I wasn’t done using cannabis. I would let time pass, life would go back to the way it was, everyone would forget about it, and I’d start using again.
Because of course it wasn’t the cannabis that caused the psychosis. It was a manic episode gone very wrong due to not being on my mood stabilizer – that was my story, and I was sticking to it! No one, absolutely NO ONE, was going to tell me to quit. It had to be my decision, so sure enough, less than a month later, I was sneaking hits off THC vapes and had no plans of quitting again.
So, what do you think? Did God restore me to sanity?
Of course He did. He always does. Just not the way I wanted Him to.
I still had another bottom to hit, and He knew it.
He always does.
And I did…
…hard.
#morewillberevealed
My Recovery Revealed 
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