Skeletons 3.8: My Reactiveness – Part 3

When I had to quit drinking, I said “fine, but you aren’t gonna take the cigs away, it’s all I have now.” So, I’ve been a closet smoker, off and on (but mostly on) for the past 8+ years.  After each pregnancy, I swore I wouldn’t go back but of course, all it took was one and I was hooked again.

Caffiene? If I could walk around with an IV with a constant stream keeping me “up and at em” all day, I would. Stimulants, I love them! Coffee, diet pills, caffeine pills, Adderall, basically any upper that keeps me going – I’ll take it! Reeealllly healthy and smart of an alcoholic who also suffers from anxiety.

Drink decaf you say? Um, no. That’s like drinking a virgin anything. For an addict like me, if I’m not going to feel from the consumption, it’s a waste of my time. No thank you!*  I don’t judge those who do drink decaf, it’s just not for me.

Or is it?  Just today, one of my sisters in Christ (SIC) told me that decaf coffee might help curb the appetite now that I have quit smoking.  Well okay then, decaf it is. I legit don’t need that much caffeine anyway. Plus, I don’t mind putting on 5 pounds but not 10.**

Yeah, you read that right. I quit. And for good this time. I finally conceded to my innermost self that I could not do it without assistance.  I finally admitted defeat and got on Chantix, among other medications that I will not speak of.  But if you go back in time and read all of my posts, I’m sure you can figure it out for yourself.

Yeah, you guessed right.  I’m keeping some details to myself now.  I know I’ve been an “open book” and I don’t regret a word of it.  But I’ve also changed my perspective on some things and sharing certain details is one of them.  There’s just some things that don’t need to be put out into the world for all to read…ya know?

That said,  I’d be remiss if I didn’t tie this post back to my over the top reactions to circumstances.  And I’m so done talking about my very colorful past; so to recap, I’ll wrap it up with a what?

Yep, you’re right, a list.  Here are 3 scenarios that happened in the past 3 years, in which I CSW reacted but I didn’t:

  1. Coulda – A male admirer left me a note asking me out.  He was married.  I could have had my husband call him and rip into him.  But I didn’t.  I took a picture of it and got rid of it.  I allowed my husband to read the note (at his request) but I didn’t include the number.  It took balls for that guy to make such a bold move, as he knew I was married as well; apparently it’s way more common to open up a marriage these days. Is it for me? No. Do I judge those who do? No.  Live and let live.  That’s what I say.
  2. Shoulda – A womanizer looked me up and down and asked if my figure was “natural.” I was so taken aback and lacked confidence at the time.  I replied with “ummmm, yeah, I’ve always been smaller but I also run.”  He proceeded to talk about his overweight daughter in such a way, I wanted to punch him in the face.  But I didn’t.  I didn’t say anything.  But I should have.
  3. Woulda – One of the DUDS I wrote about had been trying to connect with me multiple times.  I finally conceded and allowed him to make his amends.  He was the second of 3 DUDS that I finally forgave and freed myself from.  BUT, I made some poor choices after and if I could take them back, I would***.  If I could go back, I would have blocked him right after he made his amends.  Lesson learned…again…oh well.

Men, they’re a big part of my story and someday, I’m gonna have to tell my girls what they are up against; with men AND alcohol.  I have a lot of lessons that I have learned that I wish, had I not been so stubborn, I would have learned sooner.

Oh well.  I know what to do today and that’s all that matters.  You know why?

Because they’re watching my every.single.move.

#morewillberevealed

My Reassurance

I wrote this post on December 10, 2018.  I can’t tell you what led up to me stumbling across this post today but for what it’s worth, this is a MAJOR God shot and another confirmation that I am exactly where I need to be. There is nothing wrong with me and I’m okay.  In fact, I’m better than okay.  

I’m redeemed.

I had some major deja vu yesterday morning.

I woke up at 4:30 AM…again…as I have been every day for the past I don’t know how many weeks, for a while now.

I’m not complaining though, I love it! It is my absolute favorite time of the day. There is a woman I’ve watched in AA for years now…well…not so much recently but I still read her thought provoking texts every single morning. She always shares how mornings are her favorite part of her day. Of all the things she has said that I had rolled my eyes at, that was never one of them. I have always loved mornings too…well…when I wasn’t hungover.

Or a mom to two girls.

Their cries, fights, screams, whines and incessant demands have helped me see the value in silence, which has made me love the mornings even more. The sound of silence, oh how I savor thee.

So it’s 4:30 and I’m awake. I settle in to do my morning “spiritual fitness” routine which goes a little something like this:

1. Read devotional of the day from “New Morning Mercies” by Paul David Tripp. 

2. Read Bible verse noted at bottom of devotional.

3. Read daily reflections from the AA Spiritual Toolkit App.

4. Read daily meditation from “A Woman’s Spirit” by Karen Casey.

5. Pray

As I sat in reflection, I turned to H and mentioned just how much I loved getting up so early and then hit the deja vu: that exact moment felt strangely familiar and yet different at the same time. Wasn’t it about a year ago that I was doing the same exact thing?

I had to go look at my IG feed and by golly, it was! 1 year and 4 days ago to be exact, I was getting up around 4:30-5 every morning, on my own, no alarm clock and spending time with God with a fire blazing in the fireplace. I didn’t understand why then but I sure AF do now.

1 year ago, I was begging God to take over because, while I was still without a sip of alcohol in, at the time, almost 6 years, I was miserable on so many levels.

Confused.

Distraught.

Remorseful.

Scared.

Sad.

Tired.

Lost.

I prayed for a miracle.

I remember feeling the presence of God with me one morning as I was praying in the fetal position, face down in my hands on the carpet. I had this vision of him wrapping his arms around me and say “it’s going to be okay, my child. You are going to be okay.  Just keep doing everything you are doing. Don’t stop. You are going to be alright.”

It wasn’t long after that I wrote a blog post after a 5 week hiatus of NO writing.  It was only my 5th post published on New Year’s Eve and I was in a lot of fear.

Since then, the entire year of 2018 has been nothing short of mini miracles, one after another.  And this entire time, as I have grown in my faith and recovery, I still will hear in my head, “it’s all a lie. God does not exist. How can there really be a God who can do such miraculous things?”

It’s still hard for me to wrap my head around, it really is, but my faith is strong enough today to realize where that voice is coming from and what I have to do to make it go away: rebuke, read and reflect.

You guys, the last paragraph of my devotional started with the following sentence:

“So don’t let any evil enemy whisper lies into your ears.”

THEN the accompanying Bible reference was a story in 2 Kings and once again, God revealed himself to me like he always does; reassuring me that indeed He’s STILL here with me, He IS real and He IS at work in my life in miraculous ways.

And theeeennnnn the daily reflections (DR), OH. MY. GOSH. Look. Just look.

If you only knew what the year 2018, 2019 and 2020 has looked like for me, your mind would be blown just as much as mine is by this DR. It’s really quite amazing and hard to put into words but I’m going to try as this blog unfolds.

I have so much I want to share and I know it’s been a while.  Let me reassure YOU that I’m still here and I still haven’t picked up a drink.

I want to also reassure you..well..no, I guess this will be the first time I’m saying it: I really don’t care to talk about my marijuana usage any longer…for now anyway.  Is it still part of my life? Yes. Does it rule my life or my recovery for that matter? No. Will I mention it again? Probably. Why? Because it’s still a PART of the story. That’s why.

I’m still in the “what happened” portion of my story and I’m not done yet; there is still more to share. Before I get into “what it’s like now,” I invite you to visit Skeletons Part 2.12 for a little review. Seriously…please go read it after you finish this post.

Then I may or may not go into more details about the list of 12 things that happened in 2018 before I jump into 2019 and tell you more cool “shtuff” that happened when I accepted my alcoholism, surrendered my will over to the care of God as I understand Him and got honest in the rooms of AA.

Who knows, maybe my story will help you in your recovery too.

That IS how it works, after all.

#morewillberevealed

P.S. The 5th post I mentioned above is also worth a read because I talk about our Elf, Gidget, and how we do “Elf on the Shelf” in OUR house. You can find it by visiting the My Story page, titled Disclaimer. This is year number 3 and we are having so much fun with it; so much so that I decided to give Gidget her own page to showcase the shenanigans she’s gotten into and the notes she and A1 have been leaving for each other.

So much growth this past year…so much growth!

My Recovery Rock Bottom – Part 1

Alcohol was my friend for a very long time.  When I was in outpatient rehab 9 years ago, I had to write a letter to my “friend,” explaining why we were no longer compatible with each other.  At the time, I was just placating – I really had no intentions of saying good bye forever, I just wanted to be in the good graces of my loved ones again. 

It didn’t matter how many times my “friend” alcohol hurt me, I always went back and when I wrote this letter, I truly thought we’d reunite someday.  As I read the letter today, I’m baffled at how much I really did know back then but was still unwilling to see it as my actual truth.  It took me 5 years as a dry drunk to realize just how sick I really was, and another year to see how my sickness was affecting my life, even though I wasn’t drinking.

Fast forward to today and I’m hungover.

Almost 8 solid years without alcohol and I’m hungover.

Not physically, of course.  No, I’m suffering from an emotional hangover because I just said good-bye to my “ride of die bestie” and I’m realizing just how similar my alcoholism was to the toxicity of that 20+ year relationship.

I’m grieving.  I’m grieving the loss of my friend I thought would be in my life til death do us part.

I’m angry. I’m angry that I didn’t end the friendship sooner. I’m angry I didn’t get the closure I needed sooner.  I’m angry that she seems to have moved on quicker than me.  I’m angry because I thought I was over it but I’m crying. Clearly I’m not fully over it and that pisses me off!

I don’t feel good because this feels all too familiar.  I feel like I’m right back to where I was 9 years ago when alcohol was removed from my life against my will.  Fighting for my right to drink even when I knew it wasn’t good for me. Grieving the loss of a huge part of my identity – the party girl!

Angry at everyone around me because they thought I was an alcoholic and angry at myself because down deep I knew I was too and asking myself “how could you do this again!?!?”

I cannot tell you how many times this friend and I “broke up” since I quit drinking.  We’d have a falling out, we’d stop talking, one of us would reach out and then before we knew it, we were “back together,” and healthier than ever.

Until the next shoe dropped and we weren’t speaking again.  This went on and on for years.

Just like my alcoholism. Alcohol was the fair weathered friend I needed when I felt like no one else understood. Alcohol comforted me when it seemed that non one else cared. Alcohol also turned on me when I consumed too much, which, at the end of my drinking career, was all the time. 

Comparing the two deaths of relationships, I do see one difference that I think is worth mentioning because it shows my growth – growth that would not have happened had I not accepted my alcoholism for what it was 3 years ago – and it is this:

Unlike the end of my drinking career, the demise of my friendship with my former bestie and the feelings that resulted was in my control. I chose not to get closure until 9 months after I knew it was over. That was my choice.

That’s the only difference. The rest is the same. Once again, I did it to myself.  I chose not to face what I knew was going to bring me pain and now I’m suffering the consequences.

It’s all good though.  I’m free now and so is she. We’re better off without the other. In our last exchange, she told me that her journey is raining gifts and that she can’t look back on areas of life with anger.

For once in our lives, our journeys have aligned, as I too am experiencing a lot of joy amongst a lot of sadness going on around me.  I wanted to say “me tooooo! Tell me everything!” but I didn’t. I just “loved” her message and that was that. Then I cried.

I’m okay. I’ve been okay and I will continue to be okay. Life goes on and I gotta say, I am loving life today. It’s not without it’s struggles but as long as I keep the alcohol and toxic people out of my life, I’m ALWAYS going to be okay.

#morewillberevealed