My Reassurance

I had some major deja vu yesterday morning.

I woke up at 4:30 AM…again…as I have been every day for the past I don’t know how many weeks, for a while now.

I’m not complaining though, I love it! It is my absolute favorite time of the day. There is a woman I’ve watched in AA for years now…well…not so much recently but I still read her thought provoking texts every single morning. She always shares how mornings are her favorite part of her day. Of all the things she has said that I had rolled my eyes at, that was never one of them. I have always loved mornings too…well…when I wasn’t hungover.

Or a mom to two girls.

Their cries, fights, screams, whines and incessant demands have helped me see the value in silence, which has made me love the mornings even more. The sound of silence, oh how I savor thee.

So it’s 4:30 and I’m awake. I settle in to do my morning “spiritual fitness” routine which goes a little something like this:

1. Read devotional of the day from “New Morning Mercies” by Paul David Tripp. 

2. Read Bible verse noted at bottom of devotional.

3. Read daily reflections from the AA Spiritual Toolkit App.

4. Read daily meditation from “A Woman’s Spirit” by Karen Casey.

5. Pray

As I sat in reflection, I turned to H and mentioned just how much I loved getting up so early and then hit the deja vu: that exact moment felt strangely familiar and yet different at the same time. Wasn’t it about a year ago that I was doing the same exact thing?

I had to go look at my IG feed and by golly, it was! 1 year and 4 days ago to be exact, I was getting up around 4:30-5 every morning, on my own, no alarm clock and spending time with God with a fire blazing in the fireplace. I didn’t understand why then but I sure AF do now.

1 year ago, I was begging God to take over because, while I was still without a sip of alcohol in, at the time, almost 6 years, I was miserable on so many levels.

Confused.

Distraught.

Remorseful.

Scared.

Sad.

Tired.

Lost.

I prayed for a miracle.

I remember feeling the presence of God with me one morning as I was praying in the fetal position, face down in my hands on the carpet. I had this vision of him wrapping his arms around me and say “it’s going to be okay, my child. You are going to be okay.  Just keep doing everything you are doing. Don’t stop. You are going to be alright.”

It wasn’t long after that I wrote a blog post after a 5 week hiatus of NO writing.  It was only my 5th post published on New Year’s Eve and I was in a lot of fear.

Since then, the entire year of 2018 has been nothing short of mini miracles, one after another.  And this entire time, as I have grown in my faith and recovery, I still will hear in my head, “it’s all a lie. God does not exist. How can there really be a God who can do such miraculous things?”

It’s still hard for me to wrap my head around, it really is, but my faith is strong enough today to realize where that voice is coming from and what I have to do to make it go away: rebuke, read and reflect.

You guys, the last paragraph of my devotional started with the following sentence:

“So don’t let any evil enemy whisper lies into your ears.”

THEN the accompanying Bible reference was a story in 2 Kings and once again, God revealed himself to me like he always does; reassuring me that indeed He’s STILL here with me, He IS real and He IS at work in my life in miraculous ways.

And theeeennnnn the daily reflections (DR), OH. MY. GOSH. Look. Just look.

(FYI, if you can’t read the text but want to, the link to the DR is in the sidebar.)

If you only knew what the year 2018 has looked like for me, your mind would be blown just as much as mine is by this DR. It’s really quite amazing and hard to put into words but I’m going to try as this blog unfolds.

I have so much I want to share and I know it’s been a while.  Let me reassure YOU that I’m still here and I still haven’t picked up a drink.

I want to also reassure you..well..no, I guess this will be the first time I’m saying it: I really don’t care to talk about my marijuana usage any longer…for now anyway.  Is it still part of my life? Yes. Does it rule my life or my recovery for that matter? No. Will I mention it again? Probably. Why? Because it’s still a PART of the story. That’s why.

I’m still in the “what happened” portion of my story and I’m not done yet; there is still more to share. Before I get into “what it’s like now,” I invite you to visit Skeletons Part 2.12 for a little review.

Then I may or may not go into more details about the list of 12 things that happened in 2018 before I jump into 2019 and tell you more cool shit that happened when I accepted my alcoholism, surrendered my will over to the care of God as I understand Him and got honest in the rooms of AA.

Who knows, maybe my story will help you in your recovery too.

That IS how it works, after all.

#morewillberevealed

P.S. The 5th post I mentioned above is also worth a read because I talk about our Elf, Gidget, and how we do “Elf on the Shelf” in OUR house. You can find it by visiting the My Story page, titled Disclaimer. This is year number 3 and we are having so much fun with it; so much so that I decided to give Gidget her own page to showcase the shenanigans she’s gotten into and the notes she and A1 have been leaving for each other.

So much growth this past year…so much growth!

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