I wrote some amends letters after my reprimands of SD2 and the last one was to myself (second person to first person,) and I ended it with this:
“Is that all? You done now? Because I can think of some fucked up shit you did to other guys too, or have you forgotten? I hope you plan on taking responsibility for how YOU treated some of the dudes that you spent your time with over the years because you were no saint.”
Yes, yes I do.
Yep, I wasn’t very nice. In fact, at one point in my 20’s, I proudly claimed Nelly Furtado’s “Maneater” and “Promiscuous” as my anthems – which, not gonna lie, I still get a sick high every time I hear both of those songs and I recognize I should feel bad about that now but I don’t…not yet anyway.
Seriously though, I do feel bad for some stuff – how I handled some break ups, caused drama and led guys on. Let’s face it, I was self-seeking and loved the attention of the opposite sex. I have yet to get to the bottom as to why but a thorough 4th step will uncover a lot when I get to it. For now, here is a short list of the kind of damage I did and would make amends for if it WERE appropriate because today, it is NOT:
- I broke up with my very first “boyfriend” on his doorstep, dropping him off after the “sadie hawkins” Valentines dance. 2 years later, the same was done to me after the Homecoming dance. Of course it did. I totally deserved it.
- Barely paid attention to my date at the Homecoming dance the year prior to the one mentioned above. Why? Because I was no longer interested in him and wanted to be there with someone else. He went on to be a total asshole to me until Sr. year and as fate would have it, I married him 12 years later. Man, I am one lucky bitch.
- I willingly fueled situations that led to physical encounters between guys I was dating and ones who had hurt me in some way. That’s just weird to me.
- I befriended guys who wanted to be more than friends – when I was single AND in a relationship. It is clear to me now that I simply loved the attention, bearing no concern for their feelings. Careless and mean.
- Fell in love with “the one that got away” and broke up with D1 in hopes to be with him. But the love was not returned, so I went BACK to D1, only to cheat on him a few months later with H – and then lied about it so he wouldn’t break up with me. Then I really broke up with him and called him pathetic when he wouldn’t stop crying. At that point, I really was a heartless drunk.
- “Dated” guys while I waited for H to move home from out of state. I DID however, tell them not to get attached because someone else had my heart and they were just “fillers” but still…selfish and not cool.
- I’m not going to say how but I hurt H at the beginning of our relationship. Pretty bad. I will be making a living amends to him for the remainder of our days on this earth.
Yes, I am sorry for all the above and that’s all I want or even need to say. When it comes to my days “playing the field,” it’s time to let go of all the shame, remorse, guilt and any other negative feelings that no longer serve me.
It’s also time to move on to more important topics like WTF happened after my stints in the “slamma” that would set the tone for my recovery for the next 5 years.