Reflection (past) – Hindsight is 20/20…sometimes.
Sooooooo, we decided it was a good idea to go to Las Vegas for Easter weekend.
Easter weekend in Sin City? Really? Yes!
With the kids? You know it!
We needed to get out of dodge. H suggested it and I said “hey, why not?” The plan was to leave early AF on Saturday morning so we had 2 full days. But something unexpected happened 2 days before that threw me into panic mode: We had a lice infestation!!!
I will spare you the series of events that occurred but let’s just say, once again, I made things harder for myself than they needed to be. It was a cluster of a situation that had me crying and cursing myself left and right. We were close to canceling the trip all together but I gave in and spent every pretty penny’s worth on having it professionally removed.
The whole debacle was such an ordeal, I knew there was no way we were going to get on the road as early as we had planned. And we didn’t. We lost the entire day and arrived to our hotel at 5. Not the end of the world, at least we made it and enjoyed the time we did get to spend there. However, I’ve reflected a bunch since we’ve been back and have caught myself doing a little bit of self-loathing with the “coulda, woulda, shouda” statements (CWSs):
I could have saved a lot of time, stress and tears if I would have just slowed down instead of rushing to fix the problem without informing myself better. I should have done more research.
If only I could have seen them sooner; then I would have taken care of it before it got so bad. I should have been paying closer attention.
I might as well be incarcerated for the mental beat downs I give myself, I mean damn. When this pattern of “stinking thinking” takes over, I cannot be in the present or of any use to others. So, figuratively speaking, I am a prisoner…..in my own mind.
This “stinking thinking” has carried over into my recovery life as well. I remember somewhere in year #3, S2 said “I wish you would put as much time into your spiritual fitness as you do your physical fitness.” Looking back, I totally get what she was saying.
As I reflect on the first 4 years of my recovery, the CSWs held me back from taking it really seriously. Plus, I still hadn’t accepted my alcoholism and was lugging around my BBS, so I always had one foot in and one foot out when it came to AA. I thought it was all about drinking and as long as I wasn’t drinking, I was good.
Other than that, as talked about in Part 1, my recovery from March 2012 – December 2016, was half-assed, at best. I did the bare minimum of what was required of me and flew below the radar. I did not “get in the middle” and fall in love with the program or the fellowship. Sure, I was cordial and even made friends but I was basically faking the whole recovery part. Yep, I celebrated each year abstinent from alcohol, took
dirty tokens, and celebrated others do the same. I was genuine when it came to my interactions, most of my shares, the relationships I formed and what I brought to the table in terms of friendship. However, everything pertaining to recovery was pretty much an act but I wasn’t just fooling others, I was fooling myself as well.
In hindsight, if I HAD taken suggestions and done everything that I coulda, woulda shoulda done in early recovery, I probably would have “gotten it” sooner and not wasted the first 4 years at war with myself, delaying my growth as a spiritual woman in recovery.
But see, I thought that if I revealed my BBS to others, they would think less of me, internalizing this negative belief that I am automatically less deserving of all the gifts that recovery and working with others had to offer.
After 2 more years of meetings (still on again, off again,) a lot of prayer, self reflection, and candid discussions with people in and outside the rooms of AA, I now have a different perspective so here’s what I think of that: