Regroup (present): Rock bottom or a life worth living? The choice was and still is mine to make.
Speaking of bottoms, just because I quit drinking doesn’t mean my life is all rainbows and unicorns spewing glitter out of their asses 24/7. In fact, it is said that once you quit drinking, life often gets worse before it gets better. My life DID get better pretty quickly when I quit but believe you me, I’ve walked through some shit the past couple of years. Considering how my recovery has looked, it’s a wonder that I DIDN’T drink.
So my birthday weekend didn’t go exactly as I had envisioned and resentments got to brewing. Hardcore brewing to a boil. Which brought upon a funk that took me down for 2 days. I knew exactly what I needed to do to get out of it but I was stuck. And now that I’m out of it, I think I was stuck because I WANTED to stay resentful. I was pissed and I wanted validation and justice.
It’s clear to me now that I was subconsciously punishing myself for being so worked up over what now doesn’t seem that big of a deal. Had I told her what was going on and how I was handling it, I can hear S2 saying “and how’s that workin’ for ya?” And my answer would be: it’s not. My piss poor attitude was not only punishing myself but literally everyone I came into contact with. I found myself behaving “alcoholically” and briefly fantasizing about saying fuck it and drink AT the issues instead of picking up the tools that I had gathered in my recovery process. I had a choice and I was choosing misery. Sounds insane, right? Who consciously chooses to feel miserable and make everyone else suffer with them?
Alcoholics and addicts, that’s who. When it came to my drinking, I was faced with the choice to quit countless times. In fact, I made multiple oaths to either quit for a certain amount of time or put the bottle down for good but they were all failed attempts and the the end result was always the same: pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization (BB, pg 30.)
Wanna know what’s even more insane? After that birthday night in 2012, I was in trouble with the law and was told I had to quit drinking. But I still did. I still got behind the wheel intoxicated. I even got a sick high from hiding my drinking and not getting caught. But that also stopped working for me and I was left with no choice…literally…I was forced to quit drinking. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Bottom line: I had to regroup last week. I had to “get back to basics.” I had to have a talk with my HP (and a couple “peas in my pod,” you know WTF you are) and choose to press on with a positive attitude and accept the things that I couldn’t change and change the things that I knew I could.
It’s been a week since my funk and I’m back to my old happy-go-lucky-annoyingly-positive self. Had I chosen to drink at my issues, I guarantee you I’d be in a world of pain.
Or in jail.
Or in rehab.
I think I made the right choice, don’t you?
P.S. By the way, I made some adjustments to the the format of the blog. You can read about it on my homepage. Go check it out by clicking here. (Or don’t and figure it out for yourself. I don’t know why you would choose to do that but just like all of us, our choices are ours to make and if you get lost in the process, then you have no one to blame but your own GD self. Namaste.)